How do you deal with your best friend's boyfriend when he's a big jerk?

My best friend, for the sake of this story we'll call her Heidi, has just started seeing this new guy, we'll call him Ben. Heidi's last relationship was three years ago, where this guy she'd been seeing for years left her because he knocked up a girl.





She started dating Ben just recently. I don't live in the same town as Heidi, I live 8 hours away, but when I went to go visit her Ben was really mean to me. My fiance dropped me off outside Heidi's apartment. I was waiting for Ben to drive her back. It was raining out and I was cold. They pulled up and started making out. I jokingly told them to hurry up, then Ben told me to ';F*CK OFF, you get her all day!!'; Even though I never get to see my best friend.





Later on we found out that Ben has bi-polar disorder but doesn't take his medicaction that he's supposed to. Heidi and I have a friend who just died in a car accident and she says it upsets her that Ben drives like a maniac with her in the car but even though she's told him how she feels about it she doesn't stop.





Heidi went out with Ben for his Mom's birthday and Ben ended up being really cruel to his Mom and making her cry, even though Ben just had a fight with his roommates and his mom took him in for free.





The last time Heidi brought Ben over to hang out with a group of our friends he was really annoying and refused to socialize with everyone and just sat on the couch by himself.





It sucks that I live so far away from my best friend, and any time I come in I have to deal with stupid Ben. I have told her my opinions and I told her that I support whatever she does but want her to be treated nicely by a guy. What do I do if Ben is rude to me next time I visit Heidi?How do you deal with your best friend's boyfriend when he's a big jerk?
First, be careful about this bi-polar claim. I'm a substance abuse counselor, and I can promise you that this is the diagnosis du jour - everytime someone has a mood swing, they're called bi-polar and medicated. Obviously, I don't know for sure with this guy, but the danger here is in tolerating unacceptable behavior because the poor dear has a mental condition.





My next advice might shock you a bit! But it comes from the heart. I've been through this with a couple of gf's, including a BFF, and the most important thing you have to do in this friendship is protect yourself. Woman are always quick to say ';I'll support whatever you choose'; and I did the same, but with Heidi it sounds like the day may come when this is put to the test. In my case, my BFF was with a guy who was turning violent and she was exposing two young kids to it. I realized I could NOT support her any more, because it was messing with my head and I was becoming the recipient of too many ';secrets'; I never wanted in the first place.





I'd have a long and honest conversation with her. For some reason, she keeps making horrible choices in men, and it's now a pattern. The pattern won't change until she gets some good counseling to figure out why she values herself so little. And as part of this process, I honestly think you should disengage a bit - she's becoming too caught up in her drama and you likely are, as well. How much of your conversations have to do with Ben stories?





Other than helping her make wise choices, there's not that much a friend 8 hours away can do. You can be a shoulder to cry on, but that, too, carries risks if it becomes extreme.





Also, in the situation with my BFF, I told her that *Tim's* treatment of me was horrible. She said she had mentioned it to him, and I said no, that wasn't the point. Whether or not he liked me wasn't a significant issue - the issue was that, out of respect for HER, he should have been much nicer to me.How do you deal with your best friend's boyfriend when he's a big jerk?
Tell him to back off. And she shouldn't be dating this guy if he made her mother cry. That's so disrespectfully! Tell her that she shouldn't have to deal with his bs. And pretty soon hes gonna start being rude to her so get her outta that relationship. He doesn't respect her or her family or friends. I think that she could do way better than that ***. But be rude to him back! Return the favour!
Hi there.


This is a horrible thing for anyne to have to go thorugh let alone have to watch their frind go through.


You're friend is being abused.


It may not be physical abuse....but it is still abuse. Mental and Emotional.


It's almost a textbeook case.


I'm definatley not an expert (I just want to point that out), but I have been in that situation, and have also seen many of my friends go through similar situations.


I call it text book because...she has gone through two extrmemly devistating incidents in her life in the last few years.


First - loosing her boyfirend to a horrible situation like that (what a creep), and secondly - loosing a friend in a car crash. How horrible for both of you!


She has obviosly lost some self esteem - and it seems this guy (I call them preditors..because some abusers can sense these things in people), he just came along at the right time, paid abit of attention to her at a time when she felt so alone. Her best friend was so far away, and she was probably lonely.


My advice to you - as much as it may hurt...is to just be straight with her in an email if you don't (or can't) do it face to face.


Just explain to her that you've done some research on abuse - and you feel her boyfriend is abusing her emotionally and mentally. Explain to her that although you consider her to be your best friend, you can't just sit there and watch it anymore. You love her too mch to see her with such an A__hole. Tell her you won't be coming down again anytime soon because you can't watch it anymore, but if she ever decided to end this disfunctional relationship, that you will be there for her, and will do whatever it takes to help her get past this. Remind her that she is beautiful, and deserves a man that she can be proud of and who will treat her so good, that she can't wait to show him off.


I know this is hard, but it will drive you nuts dealing with the stress and listening to all the horrible things he is doing to her.


Your best bet in my opinion is to put some time and space between you, don't give her an ultimatum like ';him or me';, because that won't work, just maybe try what I suggested.


I've had to do it in the past.


It will take some time...but I'm pretty sure that she will come around.


It'll just hit her one day - like a brick!


Good Luck!
1. So what you had to wait in the rain while they made out in the car, that's what boyfriends/girlfriends do...get over yourself. It's not about you.


2. He's got a medical condition...so what? Who doesn't?


3. The problems between Heidi and Ben and her mom are their business, not yours.


4. He didn't know anyone...he felt out of place....so would you if the situation were reversed...get over yourself.


5. You shut up and take it if you want to keep your friend. Otherwise, say what you want, but you'll lose your friend.